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Grieving...and Dr. King

I am feeling a weight of sadness today. I can name the feeling—it’s grief. I’m grieving. I’m grieving Dr. King. I will be honest…it’s a new way to feel. It has a new edge.

I was thinking…how did I feel last year? I remember it well, I felt determined. Determined to know more and understand more fully. Determined to honor this beautiful, amazing, brilliant, courageous man. Determined to be different, and make a difference. Determined to help facilitate change, somehow. I was very determined, and the edge was anger…that all this injustice exists and there are not more white people like me.

Today I’m sad. Today I repent. My white privilege, my ancestors, my people killed him. I’m so sorry. It is all so very wrong.

I’ve learned enough to know that my tears over FINALLY feeling this grief from my heart of heart are many things—late, way late, not enough, not to be comforted by anyone, especially people of color…and they are of God. These tears are His tears too. Injustice grieves His heart. Slavery devastates His heart. Systemic abuse and dehumanization of people, His beloveds, grieves His heart. My complicity grieves His heart. I repent. Lord have mercy. Though I don’t deserve it…and it will not bring Dr. King back or change anything. God instead, have mercy on these people who have experienced so much at the hands of white people. Dear Lord, show us the way.

I can’t find an MLK quote and post it, I just can’t…at least not this morning, not yet. There are MANY that we MUST not only remember but live. We must LIVE them. Today. Every day. Not for one month during Black History Month, not through our Twitter posts and Insta feeds. We must live them. Well…I must live them. It begins with me.

I will grieve today and my merciful full of grace Father in heaven will forgive me. I will walk in His forgiveness not because I deserve forgiveness, but because I can’t resist or live without His kindness and love and mercy. And I will work. It’s time to work harder. I’m saying this here because it needs to not “just” be in my journal. I haven’t even been able to get to my journal this morning.

Bernice King posted a family picture today, on Twitter. “Honoring you today and every day. Your legacy is large, your love lingers. I’m grateful to be a woman who was born a King.” Beautiful. I began to scroll down…love pouring out to her from people, pictures and quotes, respect, gratitude. “Your father means so much to us….” Oh yes. “His work continues in you…” oh yes, thank God. Tears welled up in my eyes as I read. Then, Spencer. “All I know is, my manager won’t be working today because it is a holiday! Thank you MLK Day!” On Dr. King’s daughter’s account. In the midst of grief and love…. His post. Followed by a LET’S PARTY gif????????? He is white. He is apparently partying today. His Twitter profile has this in quotes, “No one is more hated than he who speaks truth.” Dear God.

The irony of his ignorance. The irony of our ignorance.

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